By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
