i barfeds in our rink
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
