I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
