If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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