I think I died a long time ago.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
