ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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