I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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