You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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