3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it wasn't lemon gatorade
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
