dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
