I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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