he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
the liver wants what the liver wants
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
