i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
