He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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