I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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