I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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