It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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