So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
