I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
