remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
