I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
