Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
