i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
