I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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