hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
