Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
