Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
