Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
