my phone needs a breathalizer
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
