I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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