no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sext me about skeletons
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
