i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Operation Purity has been aborted
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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