Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
