I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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