Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
