So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
