I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
