your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
