This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
