During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
