Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
