she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
