I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
