your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
