I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
