Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
