The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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