Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
