I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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