new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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