Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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