I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She told me I should be a condom model.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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